To hands between legs
So here we are,
At the beginning of the end.
The very last time the sun rises this year.
It’s definitely been a bittersweet year,
Lost a lot of things along the way,
And a back-breaking year due to heavy-hearts.
My dear friend, where have you gone?
This year ends differently,
Like a road with a lot more cracks in it.
And “she’s the girl of the year and
there’s no use in trying to get her off my
mind she stole my heart and she’s tearing
it apart it’s never gonna be the same.”
The new year is faced with somewhere between anxiety and apathy.
With thoughts of elation or success.
Tonight’s going to be a cliche.
That part where the-guy-kisses-the-girl-at-the-stroke-of-midnight-and-fireworks-are-in-the-background.
And that’s the same for you.
Could be more though.
“Oh time doesn’t care about anyone or anything” – FOB.
I descended a dusty gravel ridge beneath the Bixby Canyon Bridge until I eventually arrived at the place where your soul had died
You were out again
Under dark clouds.
Yesterday was the first time you actually saw me.
And all you could do was ask self-centered questions.
It’s been 27 days since we actually saw each other.
You disappeared with the same speed
The idealistic things I believed
The optimist died inside of me
No sunlight.
It’s hard to love you,
Just know that I still do.
And I wished we were friends again
I wish you could trust me again
But because of how I feel you can’t
That’s the mainstream human reaction.
And waited for you to speak to me
In the silence it became so very clear
That you had long ago disappeared
And I cursed myself for being surprised
That this didn’t play like it did in my mind
“My heart is the worst kind of weapon”
So stab my heart while I sleep,
Then I don’t have to wake up to the reality of you and him.
“Tell that boy I’ll leave you alone now”
But I make promises like you do, I break them.
I came back with a heavy heart,
To see you
“Like a stove I’ll turn my love down”
Cause I still “wanna scream I love you from the top of my lungs”.
And as you get into your car,
Put your shoes on,
And I trudged back to where the car was parked
No closer to any kind of truth
We drive in opposite directions where green lights were suppose to be good things.
“I will never believe in anything again” – (Coffee’s for Closers)
All the rookies leave your badge and your gun on the desk when you leave the room
And all of a sudden, the pain which reminds us we’re alive is there again.
“Burning tobacco in the wind chasing the direction you went”
And I always will.
“And the lies I weave are oh-so-intricate”
Watch how we all reverse roles.
“And we shake the hips of relationships.”
I found something recently,
But I’m starting to lose it again.
“I’m the invisible man who can’t stop staring at the mirror.”
“So bury in memory.”
Let me take a wild guess,
It was you, him, her, and him.
At this generation’s malt shop.
As they locked lips and twisted tongues,
My imagination’s much worse,
So I already know what’s going on between the two.
“The only thing worse than not knowing is you thinking that I don’t know.”
And you broke it.
To yourself and me.
“We’re only liars but we’re the best.”
The only good thing about that is it’ll do well for our profession.
But,
I’ll try to fake a smile about it.
I’m sure you’ll do the same too.
” And if you say this makes you happy,
Then I’m not the only one lying.”
And by the way,
if you think that was it for Christmas,
you’re wrong.
I think I could face you today.
So I’ll put in an effort.
And get my conscience to work today.
“I wanna scream I love you from the top of my lungs but I’m afraid that someone else will hear me.”
If home is where the heart is then we’re all just fucked
The Coldest Christmas Is On The Equator This Year With Next Year’s Apologies.
Did you realise it’s been 24 days that went by?
I wonder what you’ve been up to.
I wonder if a small part of you missed me or wondered.
You probably didn’t, “Oh baby you’re a classic, like a little black dress.”
I wasn’t ready to see you, and vice versa.
Not till I’ve left the ghost behind.
And not till you’re ready for this.
Also, I can’t stand to see you cause it’s one helluva bleeding which causes the nausea, provoking a puking of the truth.
Did you enjoy yourself tonight? I’m pretty sure you did.
You looked like it, and so did he.
“His smile’s your rope, so wrap it tight around your throat.”
For these 24 days, I have something for you, for each day.
And the crudest part of it all is, he gets you off.
And I’m just “a caterpillar that got stuck” asking “Mr. Moth to come quick with any luck.”
“I set my clocks cause I know I’m always late” normally but it wasn’t worth it this time.
Cause I hate the roles I’d have to play. Unicycle with a spare. Lamp-post. Third wheel. Fifth wheel. Seventh wheel.
A ghost without a host.
Merry Christmas to you. Someday when you’re lonely, I hope you find this gift. And maybe then a conscience will grow and you’ll know.
And thank the father, the son and three times for the holy ghost that you’re safe at home, as taken from a refrigerator, “naked virgin lying safely in bed”.
I’d love to take you out on one of these winter days for a conversation instead of “conversing with my Converse”. “I want it so bad I’d shoot the sunshine into my veins.”
IN OTHER TOTALLY UNRELATED NEWS.
-”Your secret’s out and the best part is it isn’t even a good one.” No, really. I guess whore is a good word to use here. And that’s why it wasn’t completely worth it. The only thing good about it is I’ve regained something among the alumni of college.
-Christmas is such a bittersweet time. As bitter as the coffee I drink for us, as sweet as those we care for, right, Run-Away Kid? I guess we’ve got a friendship on hiatus. Hopefully it’ll turn out fine. And karma is a real bitch. “Tell that boy I’ll leave you alone now”. Hopefully, the new year will bring a resolution to it. Friends or lovers.
-”I’ve got a lot of friends who are stars but some are just black holes.”
“Negativity is what keeps you alive and my scars keep me from mine.” Monarchy of Negativity by Car Crash Hearts.
I can feel the weather in my bones
“Nobody wants to hear you sing about tragedy.”
What haunts you from sleeping?
Is the regret too hard to bear?
Tell me a tale about it.
This is me TRYING to provide solace.
Although I’m already a ghost.
Nothing.
Nobody.
So let me hear it.
“Fell out of bed
Butterfly bandage
But don’t worry
You’ll never remember
Your head is far too blurry”
And who was that about?
Are you about to break promises you made to yourself?
It doesn’t appear to me that you’re weak.
“When I see you it’s like I’m staring down the sun and I’m blinded.”
On a totally unrelated note,
This is your future.
And even though you’ll never know,
I wanted to be a part of it.
Tomorrow it’ll be time to return.
“If home is where the heart is then we’re all just fucked”
Please sleep.
That’s all I ask for in return of all the things that I’ve done in vain.
And
“It’s not your fault so please stop your crying now.”
“Wish hard enough I could turn it to what I like” – Tiffany Blews by FOB on FAD.
Hate me baby, maybe I’m a piece of art
It was hot today,
I guess that’s why they call it Sunday.
And it’s summer.
But then again it’s Christmas.
And as soon as I got home,
it’s suddenly freezing again.
” Every dot com’s refreshing for a journal update”.
Now it’s almost 5, birds start to sing, people wake up, dreams die.
And I will trick myself to sleep.
“I want everything to change and stay the same” – (Coffee’s For Closers) by FOB.
3, 2, 1, we go LIVE.
But “I’m just trying to find what’s on her mind”,
You might think that just because I quote lyrics very often, I don’t mean it.
But these lyrics are the best way to tell you exactly how I feel.
Days are fleeting.
So is your soul.
And I just have a hole where something used to be.
Is it too inappropriate to tell you that I miss it?
Have you found answers?
Something tells me PJ’s not going to be so quiet from the 24th onwards.
And I would like to see you.
“Oh hell yes, I’m a nervous wreck.” – West Coast Smoker by Fall Out Boy.
I’m half-doomed and you’re semi-sweet
What a tingle of Spidey-sense from PJ.
Let’s leave that for other people, alright?
“Perfect boys with their perfect lives” – FOB
Doing lines and sweat off last night’s stage
A golden spoon and broomsticks.
Have you noticed?
Does town feel abit off?
I guess not, you’re not living in it anymore.
I wonder why you’re listening to those songs.
God, it’s almost 5 now.
And what was with the third party interrogation?
I miss the dark house.
“What a match, I’m half-doomed and you’re semi-sweet”
I wonder if you’ve changed your mind.
Are you between somewhere you shouldn’t be?
In between legs and arms.
Did you sell-out?
It’s an acceptable action.
People will always want to be special but accepted at the same time.
“I’d promise you anything for another shot at life”
Do you think you’re going to be able to achieve your dreams?
Cause I think you will.
You’re definitely one of the most fascinating people I’ve ever met.
“I need to keep you like this in my mind”
I wonder how you’ve been.
And where you are now.
“I will never believe in anything again though change will come.”
Honestly, you have no reason to not trust me.
In fact,
Nevermind.
“I only keep myself this sick in the head cause I know how the words get you(off).”
The earth’s almost turning in the direction of the sun cause the sun don’t revolve around the earth.
Morning chirps of birds. Such noise pollution.
The first month of foreign summer is almost over.
And with it, the year dies.
This year’s been a sharp rose.
” How I wish you could see the potential, the potential of you and me, it’s like a book elegantly bound but in a language you can’t read just yet.”
This summer it died, but it reincarnated into something else.
And it’s like this: What does the Easter Bunny and love have in common?
Nothing, they both don’t exist.
I see from this window, the future that holds for you.
And this town is going to change you.
And if and when I meet you again, you won’t be that person.
You already aren’t.
The current moment till the end of the first 6 months of the new year is going to be difficult.
And this Christmas, I’ll have to be carved out of stone.
Because “I wanna scream I love you from the top of my lungs but I’m afraid that someone else will hear me.”
And this has been regretful.
It’s been a waste.
Where is the monster?
Where is the golden car?
And no, I’m sober, you just won’t know what I’m talking about.
At this point in life, this is what I call “change”.
I don’t know which is the worst, you not knowing or you knowing and doing what you do best.
Rest easy and sleep in peace tonight, even though it has to be with someone else next to you( or on top).
You are a real mystery.
Good morning, Sunshine.
Good night, Starlight.
“Oh baby you’re a classic like a little black dress” – Tiffany Blews on Folie A Deux by Fall Out Boy.
